Saturday, December 31, 2005

Everything is for the Better

I can remember the first time my ex called me after our first break-up. I was watching the Beitar-Macabbi game with Gidon, my good mate, and the phone rang. I recognized the number and left the lounge to talk in the privacy of my bedroom. Even though Gidon started screaming soon after my decision (Beitar scored 2 goals in 5 minutes to win 3-2), I was deep in conversation with this girl and ignored it. She had broken my heart once, but that was forgiven as we discussed trying again. I knew this conversation would come. In fact, I was 100% sure that she would return to me. As we discussed us, I thought this was it - the angel I had been yearning for would surely now be mine, and this time, for good.

Two weeks later though, it was over. She had decided I wasn't right. Again, she had caught me in a moment where I couldn't really 'fight' the decision. I walked her home and said good bye and as she walked away, I looked up to the sky and just wondered, 'Why?'. Bill Cosby once said that we must all understand that G-d has a sense of humor. I felt I must have been the brunt of one cruel prank. After a few days of reflection and sadness, it dawned on me that this had to happen yet again. The 'right' girl was draining me again; I was exhausting myself, mentally and physically, trying to show her what she had.

My good friend in the US always says, 'One day it will all make sense.' To me, this brief yet intense 'Round 2' of our relationship strangely already makes sense. I feel that this girl pushed me, not by talking or by asking but by being herself, to learn even more about my faith. She further pushed an already powerful desire to learn, and finally, I'm actually doing it. I feel her role in my life is quite nicely summed up in my favorite book, 'A Psalm in Jenin' (By Brett Goldberg):

"When the feeling of proximity is great enough, you let go of the feeling of 'me.' Only then, when you feel yourself totally connected, do you feel love. When you love a woman deeply, you can love G-d best. The Rabbis once debated whether or not the Song of Songs should be included in the scriptures. It was, after all, a love song. It was Rabbi Akiva who prevailed in the debate. According to Rabbi Akiva, so important was the message that mere inclusion would not suffice. It should be in the holiest book in the scriptures," (page 66-67)

I loved this girl. I feel that by being with her, especially the 2nd time, I was driven to learn more and get even closer to my religious roots. That was the gift of the relationship (and having the opportunity of setting up Gidon with her best friend). And even though it's over now, I am still learning and pushing myself. Her positive influence will surely be an imprint on my life for G-d willing many years to come, and for that, I am truly thankful that I had the opportunity to be with her again.